As much as we want to protect our children from trauma and tragedy, it is inevitable that our children will be touched by these events in some way. The week beginning September 11, 2001 has been a horrific example of how trauma affects adults and children in our society. We cannot turn on the television, radio or the Internet without hearing or seeing the terrible images of the last week.

Many times as adults we are trying to sort out our own feeling that may range from intense anger to empathy for the victims or potential victims of this tragedy. It is important to keep in mind that our reactions and responses to trauma and tragedy drive the reactions of our children. Children will look to the adults in their lives for keys on how to react to trauma and tragedy. In many cases children will not have that ability to perceive the meanings of our reactions if we do not talk with them. There are some very specific things we can do to help our children learn from a crisis and work through their emotions in an effective manner.

Monitor Television, Internet and Radio exposure.

As adults we have the ability to understand that repeated images on the television refer to only one event. If a child sees repetitive images of an attack or traumatic situation they may not be able to understand that it was a one time event. Every time a child sees the event they may believe it is a brand new tragedy or trauma. As adults you may be drawn to the television or internet for the latest information, but that must be balanced with the needs of the children in our community.

If you feel you must watch the television and your child is present be sure to talk with your child about what you are seeing. Your child, or the child in the room, needs to feel safe and secure. Make sure they understand that this was a one time incident and that the leaders of our country are doing things to protect us in the future. Security and safety is the paramount issue when talking with children about traumatic events.

Be honest with children.

Kids are smart. If you are not honest with children they will here information from another source about the trauma or tragedy. The best thing you can do is listen to your child and answer the questions as directly as possible. Children will have specific concerns about the future and the people who were hurt or people who perpetrated the event. It is tempting to minimize your child's concern to alleviate their concern. This will have the opposite effect on your child, and in essence is dishonest. Your child needs information just as you do. Make sure children understand that these were specific individuals NOT an entire religious or ethnic group.

Make sure you take the time to talk to children and that they know where you are if you are away from home. Your child should have your work number and the ability to get a hold of you at any time. Being available to your child and communicating honestly and supportively is the best thing you can do to make your child feel safe and secure. If you are not available your child can contact the Phone-A-Friend line at Headquarters counseling center 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In Lawrence and Eudora the number is 865-2600 in Baldwin it is 594-6489.

Children will respond in a variety of manners

Children will have a variety of responses to traumatic events based on their chronological and developmental age, as well as, their personality. Many times children think they should feel bad, but don't know why. Do not pressure your child to feel a certain way. Children will have reactions from intense mourning to very unemotional responses. Deal with the emotion that is present and do not try to move them from one emotion to another. Reassure your child over and over and deal with whatever emotions that you see. As you listen and talk with your child they will work through their emotions.

Do not be surprised if your child does not act their age. In some cases a child may regress emotionally to a point where they felt safer or just the opposite and exhibit a false sense of bravado. Children have an inherent need to take care of you, as well as, themselves. This may lead to a short term change in behaviors and maturity. This will be expressly present in children who know someone personally who was effected by a tragedy or trauma.

Routine

Try to get back to your normal routine as soon as possible. Consistency is the key to most parenting questions. The faster you get back to your traditional routine the better. Allow some flexibility, but keep up you usual routine as much as possible.

Additional Comments

There is no perfect way to talk to a child about trauma and tragedy. No one knows your child better than you, and can tell you exactly how to talk with your child. The guidelines above are just that, guidelines. The key is doing whatever you can to make your child feel safe and secure. It is important to take care of yourself so that you can then take care of your child. If you need additional support for yourself or need more information on talking to a child please call Headquarters Counseling Center 24 hours a day 7 days a week at 841-2345.

Chad Sublet, LMSW
Assistant Director of Child and Family Programs
Headquarters Counseling Center